“Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

~Dylan Thomas

I am terribly sad today.  I recently lost an extremely close friend, after her long and valiant fight against cancer, and our world lost an incredible human being.  Her name was Laura.  I could not write of my loss, our loss, until today.  She was not my child.  She was not my spouse.  She was not my parent.  She was not the love of my life.  She was, is still, and will always be in my heart the embodiment of courage, of strength, of dedication and commitment.  I was terribly sad yesterday as well, and the day before that, and before that……..And, I know I will still be sad for many more days to come.  But, I will not let myself be sad forever.  She would not want for any of us who knew and loved her to be sad for even a moment longer.

Laura could no longer live independently and be cared for by her loving family at home, and as such entered in to Hospice care here in Santa Barbara.  She moved to the recently opened Serenity House on Miramonte Drive, which is a beautiful and wondrous facility filled with committed staff providing peace and support to terminally ill patients and their families.

One of the last times I was able to be with her, when she could still communicate, we actually had a few minutes alone to talk, as she had been almost continuously surrounded for weeks by family and friends.  I do not know why, or for certain where it came from, maybe it was my own fears, I asked her “are you scared?”  Neither of us needed any clarification of my question.  We both just broke down and stared in to each other’s watering eyes.  Through her tears she stated with clear conviction “NO.  I’m not scared of dying……I’m just scared of the pain.”  My dear friend had been suffering with ever-escalating pain as a result of the cancer that had finally gained a foothold, and then aggressively spread throughout her body.  Laura was in the process of administering her patient-controlled analgesia (PCA), whereby she pushes a button attached to an IV pump thereby allowing her to control her own pain relief.  “I’m not scared of dying……I’m so proud of my children (both teenagers), how they have been handling this.  I am so proud of my husband too.  He has certainly stood up and done more than I could have hoped for.”

In one of my early Healthy Mind – Healthy Future columns I wrote of the emotional complexity and pain of loss and bereavement.   It is not only the emotional response, but the cognitive and physical dimensions as well.  We become pre-occupied with thoughts of the person who had filled our lives.  Working hard to clear our minds and focus back on the here-and-now.  Now…..where was I?  We are all too familiar with the gut-wrenching pain experienced with the deep loss of a loved one.  Oh yes, I know all too well how much it hurts.

At her beautiful memorial service held at the Unity Church here in Santa Barbara the family asked that we “remember Laura for her strength, her wisdom, her spirit, and most of all her beautiful smile”.  She will be remembered for this, and so much more.

Grief is actually a critical part of the healing process.  Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief people go through during, and following, a serious loss.

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Accepting the feelings that accompany each of these stages as part of the grieving process, and allowing yourself to feel what you feel, is necessary for healing to occur.  Given the drawn out nature of Laura’s illness, I was granted the time to navigate through the first three stages while she was still alive.  I now struggle with the fourth, knowing that I will continue to work hard to attain the fifth and final stage of acceptance.  For then, and only then, will the pain of losing her become no more than a memory in the rearview mirror of my life.

If you or a loved one are in need of assistance in processing the grief you are experiencing please contact one of our wonderful local resources who specialize in providing bereavement support and grief counseling services:

Visiting Nurses and Hospice Care

Santa Barbara:  805-965-5555

Santa Ynez and LompocValleys:  805-693-5555

The Compassionate Friends – Santa Maria

805-937-8939

Grief that is expressed and experienced has the potential for immense healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life.  It should never be prevented as it is a healthy response to loss.  As such, I will embrace and respect it.  I will share my feelings of loss to make my burden of grief easier to carry.  Thank you to my readers for allowing me this day to share with you my loss, my grief, my pain.  It has served as an important step in my healing process.

So, farewell my dear friend.  You will be missed for a lifetime.  ‘Do not go gentle into that good night.’