“This is not love. It is a crime…You can’t look the other way just because you have not experienced domestic violence with your own flesh.”  –  Selma Hayek

Domestic violence, also known as spousal abuse, domestic abuse, battering, and by other names is defined as a pattern of abusive behaviors by one partner against another who are involved in some style of intimate relationship whether it be marriage, family, cohabitation or dating.  In today’s installment of this two-part series I will discuss the various forms of domestic violence and abuse, and some of the telltale signs of an abusive partner.

Domestic violence and abuse is not limited to the obvious physical violence, but rather comes in many forms including: physical assault or aggression; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; verbal abuse; and, economic abuse.  Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate.  It can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, size, race, ethnic background, economic level, or sexual preference.  Yet, it is often excused away or denied, especially when the abuse is of a psychological rather than physical nature.  Although it is true that woman are far more likely to be victimized by domestic violence and abuse, men are also abused; particularly verbally and emotionally; and, can be physically abused as well.   In a nutshell the aim of the perpetrator of domestic violence is control.  They will attempt to wrestle away control from their victim and hold on to it ever so tightly using guilt, shame, intimidation, humiliation, isolation and fear.

Physical abuse is the form of domestic violence most often thought of and involves the intentional infliction of physical suffering, and usually some level of bodily harm.  Although typically thought of as hitting, punching, slapping, choking, and other types of direct physical injury, physical abuse can also include such things as depriving the victim of sleep and necessary medical attention and care when needed.  In some cases the physical harm is actually inflicted upon others, whether it is the victim’s children or pets, with the direct purpose of causing psychological harm.

Some of the telltale signs of an abusive partner are if he/she has:

• Slapped, choked, kicked or shoved you
• Caused property damage (punching walls, kicking doors, breaking objects, etc.) when angry
• Confined you in your home against your will
• Forced you out of your home
• Prevented you from calling the police
• Prevented you from seeking or receiving needed medical attention
• Hurt or threatened you with a weapon
• Used physical force against you in sexual situations against your will
• Abandoned you in dangerous places
• Hurt or threatened your children

Sexual violence is defined by the World Health Organization as “any sexual act, attempt to obtain a sexual act, unwanted sexual comments or advances, or acts to traffic, or otherwise directed, against a person’s sexuality using coercion, by any person regardless of their relationship of the victim, in any setting, including but not limited to home and work.”  Using intimidation, or otherwise coercing, a person into sexual activity against their will, even if that individual is a spouse or otherwise intimate partner with who sex of a consensual nature has occurred in the past, is considered sexual violence.  In fact, in the U.S. spousal rape (non-consensual sex in which the perpetrator is the victim’s spouse) is illegal in all 50 states.

Some of the telltale signs of a sexually abusive partner are if he:

• Has manipulated or forced you into having sex
• Demanded or forced sex after physically beating you
• Demands that you dress in a sexual manner
• Has harmed you with objects during sex
• Forces you into inflexible gender roles
• Involved others in sexual acts with you against your will
• Routinely accuses you of cheating

Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, often includes both public and private humiliation, intentionally embarrassing the victim, controlling what the victim can and cannot do, and isolating the victim from family and friends.  Forceful isolation can destroy the victim’s sense of self-worth and inner strength, further intensifying a sense of helplessness.  It is also intended to remove those who might try to aid the victim in seeking help and safety, and to eliminate available options for the victim should they decide to leave the abusive partner.  When people think of domestic violence they most often imagine the physically assaulted victim, the type of abuse that leaves physical scars.  However, the emotional form of abuse, which is often just as harmful, can also leave very deep and long lasting scars, is experienced by both men and women, and is often minimized even by the person being abused.

The perpetrator’s ultimate goal of emotional abuse is to diminish your sense of independence, confidence, competence and self-worth.  Victim’s of emotional abuse often feel trapped in the relationship, that their significant other has almost total control over them, and that without the abusive partner in their life they will have nothing…be nothing.  Both women and men who are the victims of emotional abuse offer experience significant depression which further increases the likelihood of drug and alcohol abuse as well as suicide.

Some of the telltale signs of an emotionally abusive partner are if he/she:

• Attempts to isolate you from your family and friends
• Disparages you by constantly criticizing you, insulting you, or calling you names
• Scrutinizes who you spend time with, call on the phone, and where you go
• Withholds affection as a form of punishment
• Demands that you ask permission even for routine small things
• Threatens to harm your children, other family members, or yourself
• Humiliates you publically or in private

Verbal abuse is yet another form of emotionally abusive behavior, and is typically demonstrated in the form of repetitive threatening statements by the abusive partner.  It may also occur as name-calling, uncontrollable shouting, and public ridicule.  Constant criticism which goes towards undermining the victim’s sense of self-worth is another form of verbal abuse.  It is a common practice of verbal abusers to enlist children to further perpetuate the abuse by teaching them to cruelly criticize the victim as well.

Economic abuse is when one partner has total, or near total, control over the other partner’s access to financial resources, and prevents, or severely restricts, the victim from utilizing such resources.  This can include such things as preventing the victim from getting a job, obtaining an education, attaining assets, and enhancing their careers.  Typically, the object of restricting access is to significantly reduce the victim’s ability to support and otherwise effectively care for themselves.

Next Saturday, in Part 2 of this two-part series, I will discuss the prevalence of this nationwide travesty, and provide resources for victims to get the help they need to stop the violence and abuse perpetrated upon them.