Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare

 Losing someone or something you loved and/or cared for is often extremely painful.  When tragedies come crashing down upon our lives, our family, our community, many of us are struck with immense pain and overwhelming sadness.  When it strikes a community it can be an even bigger challenge to overcome as those around us that we look to for support are oftentimes deeply steeped in their own grief.  Yet, shared grief can bring a community even closer.

Grief is a complex response to loss.  Although typically associated with an emotional response to loss, it can also have significant physical, behavioral, social and cognitive dimensions.  Frequently used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss.

Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss.  What is vitally important to remember is that although the sense of loss can be so great as to seem unbearable, grief is actually a critical part of the healing process.  Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief people, families, and communities go through following a serious loss.  Sometimes people find themselves stuck in one of the first four stages, their lives remaining incredibly painful until they move to the fifth and final stage – acceptance.

The Five Stages of Grief:

1. Denial and Isolation
   We first tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts.
2. Anger
   The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if he/she is dead), or at the world, for letting it happen.
3. Bargaining
   This is when the grieving person may begin to make “bargains”. “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
4. Depression
   The person now begins to feel sad and numb, although the anger may remain.
5. Acceptance
   This final stage is when the anger, sadness and mourning have begun to lift, and the grieving person can now accept the reality of their loss.

Grieving is not a clean, precise, and orderly experience.  Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns.  However, if you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you will heal in time.  Accepting the feelings that accompany each of these stages as part of the grieving process, and allowing yourself to feel what you feel, is necessary for healing to occur.

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of others.  Even if you are not comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances it is important to express them when you are grieving.  Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry.  It is important to work every day to get to the point that one focuses on the ‘life’ of the departed rather than ruminating on their death.  Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there are healthy ways to cope with the pain.

When you are grieving it is more important than ever to take good care of yourself.  The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves.  Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly with good self-care habits.  So, be certain to eat a balanced diet, drink enough fluids, and get plenty of exercise and rest.  Although it may take all the energy you can muster, looking after your physical as well as your emotional needs critical in helping you get through this challenging time.

Grief that is expressed and experienced has the potential for immense healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life.  It should never be prevented as it is a healthy response to loss.  As such, I ask you to embrace and respect it.  It is good to share your feelings of loss as it makes your burden of grief easier to carry.

If you or a loved one are in need of assistance in processing the grief you are experiencing please contact one of our wonderful local resources who specialize in providing bereavement support and grief counseling services:

Hospice of Santa Barbara

805-563-8820

Visiting Nurses and Hospice Care

Santa Barbara:  805-965-5555

Santa Ynez and LompocValleys:  805-693-5555

The Compassionate Friends – Santa Maria

805-937-8939